It’s not the 15th lmao❗️❗️❗️
Dec 14, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LuscFnOsC0M

[Music]
hey you guys
happy Saturday and welcome to vlogmas
day 15 you guys we are halfway through
December can you believe it like I am
just baffled at how fast this month has
gone I mean this year has just flown by
like honestly I was sitting here last
night I was sitting and I was making a
list of like like all the things that
happened in our life this year what has
changed what are things that I would
love to see change this coming year my
goals for this coming year all of that
and I just am so shocked at how much has
really went on with our family and where
were at today with a lot of that
goal-setting you know it just it's crazy
and I asked Ollie I was like do you
think that you can just keep the kids
for a little bit I just want to go and
just sit at the park and think for a
little bit and he was like yeah
absolutely I mean I've had the kids I've
had the kids every single day so he was
like no go and you know take some time
for yourself I'm like thank you I needed
but um anyways as I was sitting there
last night I was thinking to myself you
know 2019 has gone by so quickly but so
much happen this year like so much
happen this year some things that we
grow on and other things that we learned
on you know and I can honestly say the
year of 2019 definitely changed our
family forever and when I say that it's
like you know I sit back and I think
about like you know when Ali's business
folded up you know and like I had talked
about a couple days ago
how you know we didn't even know if we
were gonna have a home we didn't know
where we were gonna get groceries and we
didn't know what you know what was gonna
be in store for us and we're ending this
year with you know Olli being blessed
with an amazing position of a job you
know and giving me the opportunity to
continue to be a stay-at-home mom and
take care of our kids and prepare my son
to go to full-time school and preparing
Jeremiah to get ready to go to middle
school and you know there's so many
things changing within the dynamics of
this coming year that it's scary
in a way you know I mean I got I went
from having babies to now having
preschoolers to almost having two
school-aged children and one home with
me and it's like I said and I ask myself
every day now you know what are the what
are my goals for 2020 and me and oli
we're talking about this today actually
on our way to Costco and he was like you
know what do you what do you see for
yourself for the for the year of 2020 I
want to hear what you have in store and
I was like you know I said I've thought
about it but I haven't put a lot of
thought into it and I said but one thing
I can definitely say is I want to find
myself in 2020 I want to become this
confident person this confident human
being that when I wake up in the morning
and I put my two feet down on the ground
I know that I am something and I'm not
questioning my inner being I'm not
questioning my my purpose on this earth
like I will know what my purpose is I
will know that I have a driving force
that's making me want to do certain
things and you know part of that is
just finding the confidence you know I
am dealing so bad with self-image
problems right now and when I say that
it's like I am so self-conscious that it
literally has created me to want to be
not in public because I feel like I
don't belong and the only person that
has done that is to myself nobody has
done that to me so in reality I have to
be the one to change that and that's
what Ollie was saying he's like you know
I can't change that Amy our kids cannot
change that your YouTube friends cannot
change that he said nobody can change
that but you you are the only one that
can control that and he's like you know
we can be there to support you but how
how long are we gonna continue to repeat
ourselves that you are worthy and that
you are capable he's like you know
people get tired of repeating their
words over and over and over again and
you listen but you don't believe it and
you don't keep it you let it go in one
ear and out the other and you're shaking
your head as if you're listening but in
the app in the end you're not and I was
like no you're right
yeah I was like you have all ears on you
right now I said because I think I'm at
that point in my life where I you know
I'm gonna be 39 this coming year you
know I'm almost 40 and it's like this is
the only time I'm going to be on this
earth my life isn't gonna go on forever
and I'm just wasting space here because
I'm not being proactive I am not this
type of a person my inner being is like
I want to go hiking I want to go camping
I want to go and you know travel I want
to do all these things that's what's my
intervene but the outer part is holding
me back and always like then you have to
take control and change that only you
can
do that so I think with these next few
weeks before the first of the year comes
I'm gonna sit down and I'm gonna make a
vision board I really want to really sit
back and really think about what I want
to see change over this next year and
it's not just gonna be for the year you
know it's it's a lifetime change you
know like me getting control of my
health and things like that those are
all things that are gonna have to be a
lifetime change but it's a start is what
matters and I've preached the talk so
much that now it's kind of like okay and
you know people don't believe my words
anymore because I've said it so often
but I have not shown any any activity
that I'm going to do it and I have to
prove my word
sorry there's a park ranger I've never
seen one over here interesting but
anyways it's just one of those things
that I'm really I'm really desiring I am
so desiring and I am the only one that
can do it I am the only one and I'm I'm
I'm going to do it I have to do this not
just you know because I want to do all
these things in life but I want to do
this because you know life is not a
guarantee you know I could be killed
today ten minutes from now and then all
I minute have for 38 years on this earth
is will she sat on a couch most of the
days and that's about it that's what her
life consumed of and that's not what I
want when I die I want to have memories
that I have made with my family that
they can look back and remember oh my
gosh look this is where we were hiking
and here's mom and you know all these
things and have my children be able to
share with their children about me but
right now what are my children gonna
tell their kids oh well here's grandma
she's sitting in the recliner
well here's grandma she put her legs up
in the recliner oh here's grandma she's
sleeping in the recliner you know what
I'm saying like I just there's so much
in me right now and I think it's because
I see my kids growing up right before my
eyes and before I know it they're gonna
be adults and they're gonna be on with
their life they're not gonna sit back
and be like here let me tend to you mom
because you know I know that you can't
do it no they're not they're not gonna
want to do that and I know that you know
and so when my daughter gets married I
want to be able to be there at her
wedding and watch my little girl get
married when my sons get married I want
to be there to see my children walking
down the aisle to meet their love of
their life and I'm not going to be that
if I don't take these things serious and
so I just I
a lot that has been really just really
just going through in my mind and I
preached myself every single day and I
tell myself every day I wake up okay
this is the day me you're gonna do this
and buy all day I'm so I swear by an
hour later I'm doing something stupid
put something stupid in my mouth and
then I'm saying oh screw it I'll do it
tomorrow okay I'll do it tomorrow and
it's always tomorrow it's always will
start tomorrow we're gonna get this
under control tomorrow and I can't
continue because I've said that for well
we'll say 25 years and I'm still in the
same boat but worse because I weigh the
most that I've ever laid in my life well
not right now I actually weighed more
than this at one point I don't know how
because I'm so miserable right now and I
don't even know how in the world I made
it past this weight but you know I don't
enjoy going to the stores because I
can't walk through them I don't enjoy
going places because I'm uncomfortable
and it's you know it's not enjoyment and
so you know food shouldn't be an
enjoyment food should be there just to
keep me alive and I have to get that
through my thick skull because clearly
amy has just been thinking otherwise so
I'm just at the park spending time with
myself just just putting some thoughts
into action I'm going to write some
things down that are really really
really on my heart of things that I want
to address with myself and talk to my
therapist about and I'm I'm ready to
seriously make some serious changes and
you know I know that I've talked very
I've talked some bad talk about weight
loss surgery and things like that I'm
not saying that it's something that I'm
going to jump and do tomorrow but I
think I've been reconsidering the
thought more lately than I ever have
before
I don't know I don't know you know I
know that the weight-loss surgery is a
tool and I get that and I know it's a in
it's amazing tool because it's one that
definitely will make you do something
and it does change your life forever but
the thing is is that if you want to lose
weight no matter what you're gonna have
to change your life forever so either
way you're gonna change your life and
you know yes it has had negative effects
on people that I know very much so but I
can't always say because this person had
something wrong with them because of it
that it's gonna happen to me because
that would be like well I'm not gonna
drive because you know I had a friend
that died in a car accident so I'm not
going to drive because it could happen
to me or you know I'm not going to write
a bike because you know I had so-and-so
riding a bike and they got hit by a car
and was killed so I'm not gonna write a
bike you know I can't stop my life
because others have had negative out
time outputs because who's to say that
those people that had negative as the
you know negative outcomes was because
they weren't doing what they were
supposed to do you know and maybe I'll
do exactly what's supposed to happen so
maybe I won't have that issue there's
just so many things that I have just
been really really thinking about and I
I'm ready for it like I am ready for
this change and so I'm here and I am I'm
taking charge because I have to I mean
it's just just this has just got to stab
stab so anyways I love you guys
and thank you for writing on this crazy
roller coaster with me for the last year
and a half it's been one crazy ride but
you know what the ones that have stuck
by me I know truly support me and you
know some of you guys have had tough
love and I'm okay with that
sometimes being tough with me is what
opens my eyes you know I don't have to
have everybody agreeing with me to make
me think that what I am saying is you
know good just like Ollie told me
today I mean he was not like
sweet-talking me he was very firm with
what he was saying to me and you know
sometimes those times of tough talk is
what really gets to somebody you know so
I don't always expect a pat on the back
and tap on my butt and say go get it Amy
you can do it sometimes I really need
someone to get in my face and be like
look you know you've said this so many
times why don't you just shut up and do
it you know and sometimes that's what it
takes and is it hard to hear that
sometimes of course people don't want to
hear that you know but at the same time
that sometimes would gets to people's
attention and says oh you know what I
think it's it's now becoming a little
bit more serious so anyways you guys I'm
gonna close I've been on for 15 minutes
jabbering with my lips I love you guys
so much thank you again for sticking
with me and supporting me through
everything that I have been going
through all my ups and downs my goods
and my Bad's I mean I'm human and I am
truthful with you guys so you guys are
seeing exactly what goes on with what's
my life sometimes but anyways and I'm so
happy to hear so many of you guys are
enjoying my vlogmas I know some people
you know I've had a few comments that
they're not enjoying it very much and I
am NOT gonna apologize because this is
my channel like I've said before and you
know I am I don't this isn't a skit you
know I'm not pretending my days I don't
pretend that my life is something that
it's not you know you see what you get
because that's what's going on and so
anywho all right you guys have a
wonderful wonderful Sunday to Sunday
have a wonderful wonderful Saturday and
enjoy your guys's Sunday and I will be
seeing you guys tomorrow I am now caught
up after I get this one up today so
you're getting two videos in one one day
but I had to do this to get my vlog
means caught up because I somehow fell
behind I don't know how but I did so
anyways you
is take care and I will check in with
you guys again tomorrow stay blessed bye